… you just know when you know. It sounds so simple and annoying to hear until you know and then you get it. It all becomes quite clear. Its a feeling in your heart, not in your head, and you embrace every second of it.
A few months ago, I came across something that almost made me sad yet instilled a sense of pride in me. That pride, being proud of myself gave birth to extreme happiness. Somebody had dug up an old, old post of mine and shared it saying that my words then is what this individual was feeling right now. My age old post had suddenly become very relevant to this individual, years after I had even forgotten about it.
In that post I had poured down my heart about my fight and struggle with life. When I reread it, the desperate tone of the post stunned me. I couldn’t believe it was me.
In it, I had spilled my guts on a social platform thinking that someone out there will lend me an ear. Someone would hear me out over my dissatisfaction with myself and my life. I hated how I never finished anything, never got good at what I wanted to be good at. I hated how I looked, and I hated that almost everyone who I knew or was around, was somehow doing better than me in life. I was not able to accept myself, because to accept myself meant that what I was doing (and failing to do) was fine.
Of course I wasn’t fine with it. I knew I was squandering my time and my talents, and it was killing me. I didn’t feel like I could get anywhere until I loved myself, and I didn’t feel like I could love myself until I got somewhere. Life seemed like a paradox.
People advised me to decide to accept who I was, right now, and then I’d be free to live the life I want. I tried to do that. In fact, I did it a lot. I would get so worked up with enthusiasm about myself that I felt unstoppable. But enthusiasm fades. After a few days, the same patterns emerged again, and I was back to square one. This went on for years.
I’ve seen countless others describe the same problem. You can’t just decide to suddenly feel good about yourself. It won’t work.
I can see now the mistake I was making in trying to love myself, it’s exactly what I did. I confused self-love with how I feel about myself. I wanted the warm, comfortable feeling of being loved. I was focused on receiving love from within. I was expecting something inside me to tell me that I am fine. I denied that opportunity to myself. I never told myself I was fine. I was expecting love and recognition rather than giving it. I wasn’t ready to accept myself that way I was, how would anyone else?
It took a long time, a lot of tears, a whole other lot of screaming, frustration and irrational behaviour to realise, rather ask myself to find the endless value in the world around me. Only after I did, it got easy to find the endless value in me. Eventually, today I no longer see a difference between the two. So,
Dear Zindagi,
I am thankful for every moment, feeling and thing, I never wanted to encounter, experience or have in the first place. The things I cried out against, and the ones that felt nothing but unfair. It’s through these and not getting things my way, I’ve grown the most.
I am glad that I came across and understood a range of emotions a human being is capable of experiencing. I am glad for I have experienced the weight of loving someone so dearly that nothing else mattered. I am glad that I had the courage to tell them that I love them. I am glad that I’ve made some hard decisions of unloving others.
I am glad for I did pull my foot from my mouth and answered back. I am glad for I’ve seen people walk into my life and I am glad for I’ve seen them leave. I am thankful for I’ve seen people supporting me. I am thankful for I’ve seen the same people fall. It made me realize that nothing is certain and that it’s Okay to be at your low. I am glad that I’ve seen myself and all these people stand up. It taught me the lesson of faith and hope. I am thankful for this faith. I am thankful for this power that hasn’t given up on me and keeps me going.
I am glad that I’ve made all the mistakes that I’ve made. I am thankful for all the rejections and humiliations I’ve faced. I am thankful for all the scars I’ve got. They all are terrifying and comforting at the same time. They are now a part of my book and probably have made me a stronger person.
I am thankful for failed decisions that were based solely on my feelings. I am glad I failed while making decisions that were more thoughtful and based on logic, sensibility and clarity. I am glad I made decisions and succeeded. I am thankful I kept my eye on the prize. I am glad that I realized that struggle comes in all shapes and size.
I am thankful I did walk away, Even when I didn’t want to. I am thankful I did walk back in again. I am thankful I’ve been given one more chance. I am thankful for the force has always been with me. I am thankful I have you. I am thankful that my life is fragments of love, hate, sadness, happiness, excitement, failure, success,and most importantly, full of surprises. I am thankful I have this feeling. I shall embrace it and move on to a brighter and better tomorrow.
I am thankful for these 22 years of uncertainty and craziness. It’s been one hell of a ride. Up till now I’ll always have this hell of a story to tell.
Love.
P
P.S – I think I knew it all this while. But it’s always nice to hear it from him. What a Fanboy moment it was.
thecinecray 